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Unspeakable Love.

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  • nenzy
  • 10 years ago
  • 5,161
  • FREE

 

While laying down on my bed and staring at the ceiling for quite some time, my childhood memories started filling in. Without me noticing, tears strolled down on my cheeks furiously. I can’t stop this tears. I can’t stop these feelings. I shut my eyes hoping it to stop streaming. I closed my mouth before it muffles noises but it’s too late. I am crying terribly while holding on to my chest. It becomes tighter. It hurts. I feel like exploding. I need some air. I need to get out. Without wiping my tears, I slowly turned the doorknob and about to make a run until I saw her.

Her. The one that made me such a mess. So, I shut the door and retreat. Slumping behind the door because I am just too tired to move. Too tired to do anything else. I let out my silent cries and put my hands and face on my knees. Wishing time will come quickly and just let me fall asleep. But I can’t. It hurts too much. And these flashbacks isn’t helping either.

I liked him better than her. In fact, I thought I loved him more than her despite her position in my life. He cared for me and loved me. Everything that I needed, he fulfilled it without complaints. I was spoiled, spoiled by his attention. And I got used to it until he was no longer in this world. We were close. We were inseparable and his death was unbearable. I didn’t cry because the tears won’t come out. And simply because she looks vulnerable that I had to hold it in. I had to be stronger. It was then that I realized my hatred towards her was no longer exist. I accepted her as someone I needed, depended on.

But things weren’t full of colours and rainbows. Despite that, we became closer. She needed me and so did I. Wherever she went, I was there. I was her companion since she had lost hers. Sometimes I pity her. And sometimes I adore her. And sometimes it becomes too much. Too much for my young minds and feelings. I feel suffocated. I feel trapped. I feel caged. And I treated her like I don’t need her anymore.

“I’m sorry” I said. Without looking at her, “I need to be independent, I need to learn how to live myself. You have done enough as a mother. You have given me almost everything. And I am grateful and I’m sorry for all the things that I’ve done. I am truly sorry. I wished Dad was here to keep you from being lonely. I wished he would hold your hands while we bid farewell.” Then, I felt hands wrapping and embracing my body. She whispered, “I’m sorry for giving you hard times. I’m sorry for making you feel this way. I hope you will find your way and I’m sorry he isn’t here to send you off.” and she smiled and kissed my forehead. I couldn’t help but hugged her fragile body and said, “I’ll be back.”

Sometimes in life, you need to let go and be free. And sometimes, you need to learn how to forgive. But Mum, do know that I love you. Even if I’ve never said it to you.

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